he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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