I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
