I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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