Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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