Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
