dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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