I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize