her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Sober January is a disaster.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
