me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
