I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize