I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
