She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
