my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
did you just send me my own nude
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
