if you like me you must not know who I am
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
