so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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