either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
A+ Viking dick
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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