Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
