I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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