THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
