I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There are leaves in my underwear?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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