I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
