So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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