just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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