I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
