i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
