i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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