There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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