she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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