Pants 0. Shit 1.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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