so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize