god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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