i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize