two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
