I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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