You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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