My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want to be your penis for a week.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
