I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
