Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
