You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
