I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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