I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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