you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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