my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
