I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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