I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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