I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
