Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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