I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
