omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm getting married
To pizza
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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