I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
