So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
