I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
