Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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