why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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